Action Movie Fanatix Review: Transmorphers

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The Final Battle Between MAN And MACHINE!

Starring: Matthew Wolf, Amy Weber, Eliza Swenson, Griff Furst, Shaley Scott, Sarah Hall

Director: Leigh Scott

2007  |  86 Minutes  |  PG-13

“We’ve got a suicide mission to plan.” – General Van Ryberg

I recently stated that made for TV sci-fi movies have a certain charm to them.  Asylum releases… don’t.  They have long made a “name” for themselves by releasing movies that outright copy Hollywood releases and release them to DVD or TV a week or two prior to the release of the theatrical release of the movie they were copying.  Transmorphers is one of those movies.

400 years in the future, robots have taken over the Earth killing the majority of the world’s population.  A small group of humans develop a plan to bring down the robot rulers.

Even though Transmorphers was supposed to rip off Transformers it doesn’t even remotely follow the storyline of MichaelBay’s hit.  Normally I would say that is a good thing but the story we got is pretty friggin’ dull.  The story is much more reminiscent of Terminator Salvation without all the excitement and good acting.  This makes GoBots (which I liked as a kid) look like a meeting of the all time great minds of sci-fi.

The supposed badasses of this story is a guy by the name of Warren Mitchell, a British bloke, and his old buddy Itchy.  Both were thawed out of a deep freeze prison sentence.  They were supposedly frozen because they wanted to fight the machines.  The audacity…

The acting is literally porn quality and the ladies of the movie look like that may just be where they were found.  Come to think of it, the guys and their facial hair look like they might just have come straight off the set of your friendly neighborhood porno as well.

Even though MichaelBay kinda sorta ruined the Transformers robot designs, they at least maintained a good amount of individuality.  Well, Transmorphers absolutely killed any individuality that the bots would have.  They are all big grey blobby humanoid robots that either turn into a blobby grey tank or a blobby grey plane thing.  Needless to say the CGI is piss poor.  This would have looked bad on my PS2 10 years ago.

The majority of the movie is talking, or planning I guess.  So, the action is pretty minimal and when they are fighting you will be wishing they were back planning again.  It’s really that bad.  I have never shouted so much at my TV.

Why do I keep watching movies that I know will be this bad.  I can’t blame “charm” as I do when watching DTV/TV movie sci-fi.  I hate the “it’s like a car crash – you can’t look away” saying but it is never more true than with Asylum releases for me.  I hate them!  I do.  But when they come on TV or I see them somewhere for rental I can’t not watch.  It disgusts me but I feel better talking about it with you.  Now, I need to go take a shower… I feel dirty.

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