Action Movie Fanatix Review: Titanic II

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100 Years Later, Lightning Strikes Twice.

Starring: Shane Van Dyke, Marie Westbrook, Bruce Davison, Brooke Burns

Director: Shane Van Dyke

2010  |  90 Minutes  |  Not Rated

“Airplanes are big, babe.  Dreams are big.  This is monumental.” – Hayden Walsh

If you are like me, you hated the original Titanic.  One of the many reasons I can’t stand James Cameron.  Now, I don’t know how much input James Cameron had on the making of Titanic II but I’m willing to bet I enjoy it more than the original… at some level at least.

On the 100th anniversary of the original voyage, a modern luxury liner christened “Titanic II,” follows the path of its namesake. But when a tsunami hurls an ice berg into the new ship’s path, the passengers and crew must fight to avoid a similar fate.

OK, Titanic II is another Asylum release so I should know what to expect but the idea of a movie called Titanic II just begged to be watched and had me envisioning all kinds of craziness.  My imagination was running wild.  Apparently the filmmakers don’t even have imaginations.

If I were making a movie called Titanic II I would most certainly take specific memorable scenes from the original and sort of spoof them.  Not in a Scary Movie kind of way.  In a way that you laugh and exclaim “YES!” all at the same time.  There wouldn’t be a “I’m king of the world!” scene but you better believe I’m going to have a bunch of people falling down a vertical Titanic and clanging off all kinds of metal surfaces.  Not so for this movie.

The real Titanic II is paint by the numbers disaster fare.  People get trapped in the boat, argue over who gets on the rafts and try not to drown.  Nothing imaginative or fun.

As with most Asylum releases there are major pacing issues.  We know why we are watching a movie like Titanic II.  It isn’t the interpersonal relationships between the passengers and crew.  It also isn’t the weird global warming message that Brooke Burns delivers before the ice berg she is standing on crumbles to pieces.  It is the ridiculousness that a movie titled Titanic II is bound to (yet fails to) deliver.

I’m not going to touch on character depth or acting but there are a few oddball facts worth mentioning with the cast.  First off, what is Bruce Davison doing here?  He is way too good of an actor to be in something like this.  I also couldn’t help but think that he was about to melt into a human puddle any minute.  Secondly, the films director and star Shane Van Dyke is actually the grandson of the great Dick Van Dyke.  Apparently the apple does fall far from the tree.

It’s too bad they couldn’t have gotten someone from Titanic to make a cameo.  I bet they could have gotten Billy Zane to play a pompous rich guy again.

I’m also feeling this could have gotten a Celine Dion soundalike to create an “original” song to go along with my version of the film.

OK, enough about what this could have been.  I will wrap up by trashing the last couple elements I haven’t touched on yet.  The CGI is bad.  HOW BAD IS IT?  The shots of the ship sailing through water reminded me of the old PC game Siberia – that’s how bad it is.  Underwater shots are really, really dark.  I assume this was done to hide how bad the CGI was.  The backgrounds are clearly painted or photo backdrops.  I don’t know what more to say so I am just going to end this.

Titanic II was really disappointing for me.  I was expecting something really bad but in a funny, crazy kinda way.  I even got my wife to watch with me on that premise.  Unfortunately the Asylum crew applied their usual approach and poor pacing and we are left with something that is just utterly boring and repetitive.

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